not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
