i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She's the barista slut.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
