My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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