seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
