I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
