I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
