What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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