oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my phone needs a breathalizer
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
