I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
