apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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