My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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