Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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