I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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