i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
