I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
