wat bout pragnant strippers??
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
