Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
