This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
