dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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