walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
