i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
