all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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