i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
