Someone shit on the floor
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
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