you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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