I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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