he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
