DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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