According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
