Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
