he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
