have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
there is puke in my bra ... again
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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