he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
