Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
