Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
