we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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