got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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