guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
