I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
