hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
