Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
where are you?
Hypothermia
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
