party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
