After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
