I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
