So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
