even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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