It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
