I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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