Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
