just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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